When "Gentle Parenting" Backfires
(Last day to join Moms of Spicy Ones group program)
I was at the playground when I heard the sound of begging. "NATHaniel! Na-THAN-iel! Naaaa-than-iel!" Each inflection more creative and urgent than the last.
The mother stood across the sandbox from Nathaniel, shouting and pleading while good old Nathanial gleefully dumped sand down a little girl's shirt.
This mom was unfortunately a poster child for the ineffectiveness of gentle parenting. But her approach was actually permissive parenting. Sometimes, it's hard to know the difference.
Break the Exhaustion Cycle
One surveyº reported that one-third of parents practicing "gentle parenting" report burnout. Here's what they listed as most exhausting:
Over-negotiating everything instead of holding clear boundaries
Being afraid that firmness will "damage" their child
Taking on their child's emotions instead of staying regulated themselves
The Mix-Up That's Exhausting Parents Everywhere
Gentle Parenting is a new name for a classic approach that researchers call "authoritative" parenting - high warmth WITH high expectations and clear boundaries. Think firm but kind. Not anything goes.
Somewhere along the way, gentle parenting got confused with being afraid to lead. Letting kids run the show. Child-led rather than child-centered. Not to sound like a cranky older mom but…
Permissive parenting corrodes character and spits out entitled adults.
Sometimes we over-aim for tender (because we don’t want the yelling and hitting from our childhood) and land at… well, a tad wimpy. Likely your parents were more “authoritarian”: holding high expectations but giving low warmth. Authoritarianism relies on kids being afraid of their caretaker. WE KNOW WE DON’T WANT THAT. Often in our attempt to avoid harsh, we swing the pendulum all the way into the land of push-over.
But this overcorrection is how organic systems evolve. Swelling and shrinking. Freezing and thawing. Bouncing between extremes until we find the middle that works for us. Like Goldilocks with those three bears.
Thankfully, researchº shows that children who are parented with a connected, positive approach (*cough* like you learn in Moms of Spicy Ones group program) excel academically and see improvements in mental health. Multiple studies show that connecting over controlling:
• Increases emotional IQ and awareness of others’ state of mind
• Improves ability to label and communicate emotions
• Improves self-regulation and well-being
• Improves relationships and communication
Permissive parenting says, “Do whatever you want,”.
Gentle parenting says, “I can do the work to assess the difference between non-negotiable limits that keep you and others safe, and those unspoken social norms that aren’t important enough to enforce (and consequently disturb everyone’s peace).”
For example, your kid wants to sit backwards in the shopping cart seat - his feet facing the basket. He’s coordinated enough to pull it off. The challenge will keeps his brain occupied while you handle your shopping list. Other shoppers will find it bizarre. But their opinions can’t be central to your mental calculation of whether to allow it. Sometimes saying YES is effective leadership. And Gentle Parenting.
Permissive Parenting is:
Limp Negotiation: "Okay, fine, you don't have to brush your teeth tonight, but promise me you'll do extra brushing tomorrow."
Meltdown Cave-Ins: "I know I said no to another toy but I'd better say yes or there's going to be a scene."
Endless Snack Bars: "You don't like dinner? Let me make you something else—I just want you to eat something."
Consequence Avoidance & Boundary Flip-Flops: "I'll just do your chores myself because fighting about it takes longer than doing it."
In my writing, I've tried terms like “Respectful Parenting” or “Intentional Parenting”. But whatever you call it, effective parenting is hard. It’s an energy suck for the default parent. It sounds like:
"I won't let you hit your sister. I’m using my body to protect you both. You can be angry, but hitting hurts people."
"Teeth need brushing before stories. Blue toothbrush or red one?"
"I hear you're upset about bedtime. You get to decide when you fall asleep but you need to be in bed at 8pm."
Permissive Parenting happens when we work feverishly to avoid a kid’s upset. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is hold a limit while they passionately grieve and learn to trust that you both can survive their overwhelm.
Like I say in MOSO, your calm, empathetic presence is enough.
Your Spicy One needs CLEAR structure (not MORE structure)
Children with difficult temperaments - like your reactive, impulsive, boundary-testing darling - need fewer, clearer, more consistent boundaries to thrive.
They need you to pick your battles wisely. Too many rules create a minefield of potential conflicts. But the boundaries you DO set? Those need to be crystal clear and consistent (which is almost impossible if you, the parent, have ADHD, but we’ll talk about that in another note). For now…
Stop over-explaining.
Share the WHY once when both of you are calm. Check for comprehension. Then, work to hold boundaries with empathy: "I see you're upset AND the answer is still no." Embrace natural consequences instead of rescuing them from every uncomfortable feeling.
Your effort to stay calm is more important than whether they can stay calm. You can't regulate a dysregulated child if you're dysregulated too.
Rooting for you,
P.S. That playground mom? I wanted to walk over and whisper: "Just walk to him, make eye contact, and calmly help him stop…with your greatest tool: your body." But we've all been there, haven't we? The Moms of Spicy Ones course includes so many quick wins to get you and your kid back to feeling successful.
Tell me:
What's one boundary you've been avoiding setting with your Spicy One because you're honestly just too tired to deal with the pushback? (No judgment here—we've all got that one thing we just let slide because we don't have the bandwidth!)
ºFor my research nerds who want to see the studies behind the above insights:
Gentle parenting vs. permissive confusion: Psychology Today study on authoritative approaches
Why difficult temperaments need MORE structure: Nature and Nurturing: Parenting in Context
The exhaustion cycle research: Bidirectional effects study
Gentle parent burnout stats: CBC News report on parenting stress
Why authoritative parenting works best: Academic achievement and self-efficacy study
Permissive parenting outcomes: Child development research
Definition confusion: ParentData analysis