When Apologies don't work
The part of repair that gets missed
I have a chronically late friend. She comes tearing into a lunch date 25 minutes late, sweater falling off, eyes frantically searching the restaurant for me. She apologizes profusely. Every time.
But I know it will happen again. Yes, the apology is appreciated. No, it doesn’t change anything. She’s still the friend I tell pickleball starts 20 minutes earlier if I want her at game time.
I trust her with my secrets but not with showing up on time.
Apologies are tricky.
I mustered up the courage to say I’m sorry to this week to a family member. What a humbling experience. Even more so because I was completely oblivious to the harm I had caused — until this beautiful soul told me, point blank.
I won’t go into the details. Other people don’t like their dirty laundry strewn across the internet as much as I do. But I will tell you this: the person I wronged is a little hopeless right now. Not so sure things will actually change. Because what is the plan??
I’ve been reading a salaciously delicious book called Stripped by Bunnie XO. This true-blue Spicy One author recounts her toxic childhood with deadpan accuracy. Bunnie’s stepmother would drag her by her scrawny six-year-old shoulder, screaming that she was worthless. And then, after hurting her, Stepmother Mindy would come crawling back — cooing, apologizing, even affectionate.
An apology with no plan for change is just part of an abuse cycle. Her stepmother’s rage would burn her again.
You are nothing like Bunnie’s stepmother. You are reading a newsletter about how to be the mom you want to be. That’s dedication to showing up well.
But a sorry without a promise — and a plan — leaves the person you hurt waiting to be hurt again. My family member who was wronged this week? They needed to hear what was going to be different. Not just that I felt bad.
The promise that things will change is a critical part of an apology.
In my book, Parenting A Spicy One, I walk through a five-step repair recipe.
But the step most people skip is the last one:
Make a promise (& a plan) so it doesn’t happen again.
Tell your child — or your friend, or your partner — exactly what you are going to do differently. Not “I’ll try to be calmer.” Something specific. “Next time I feel that angry, I’m going to walk away and take three slow exhales before I respond.” That specificity is what builds trust back. It’s what reassures them they don’t have to brace for a repeat.
Your child needs to hear that you are not just sorry. They need to know you have a plan.
For the full repair recipe - all five steps, I made you a free gift.
And if you find yourself thinking I know what to do but I don’t know how to stay calm enough to do it — that’s exactly what we work on inside Moms of Spicy Ones Academy.
How would it feel to stop dreading the hard moments? To repair quickly and reconnect — without the guilt spiral that lasts for days?
That’s what’s waiting for you inside. Bingeable classes on your schedule. Live calls with me where you can bring your real questions.$47/month. Cancel anytime.
What the Spicy One Is Loving
Sloth Snuggles: The weighted stuffed animal I gave my college Spicy One during Christmas still sit on her dorm bed to soothe and calm more than an inanimate object should be able to.
📖 Strangers I just finished this memoir and I couldn’t put it down. A husband walks out. A mother picks up every single piece.
💦 Reusable Water Balloons Summer is coming. Your kid needs an outlet that isn’t you so you can announce, “Get thee outside!”
🎓 $26 Rechargeable Powerbank For the high school grad headed somewhere new. Their phone dies. Their anxiety spikes. This fixes one of those problems. Slim, wireless, MagSafe-compatible. Practical and genuinely useful.
Sending you love — especially if you have an apology to make this week.
